My bus is running late, yesterday it was early. I try to time it so that I don’t have to leave any earlier than I need to, but it always seems earlier than it should be. Before I even get on the bus I miss you.
Right now your days are full of daddy time and soon you will return to school. Your days are full of fun and laughter. Those are the to-dos of a five year old. My days have different responsibilities, but you are always one of them. Even when we are not together, I am thinking about you and imagining one of your hugs. You give the best hugs, just like my cousin Paula who hugs with her whole heart. As I think of your hugs, I miss you.
When our days end, I wait for the metro. I wait for the train to bring me back to you and your brother and your daddy. The wait feels like forever, but I know it gets me back to you.
Some times when we are reunited you are sad. Something has gone wrong in your happy world and you have your angry face on. Most of the time you wear your smile and brighten the whole world with it, but you need to feel how you feel and I can be patient until you are ready. I am just happy we are back together.
The thing is, I walk into the house and after our hug I am back to my to-do list. Adulting. So often I am cooking or cleaning something and can’t give my full attention. So often your younger brother needs my attention and help and I can’t give you my full attention. I can not control the number of hours in a day, but I am learning I can control how I use them. Because of you, I am a mom. Because of you, my house is messier than I would prefer, but because of you, I have relearned how to pretend. And pretend is sometimes messy. It is because of you that at the end of a long day, I have learned to choose giggles over dishes and fill my world with that happy sound.
Here is what you need to know. When I get pulled in multiple directions, it has nothing to do with you. Every thing I do is a backwards way of making your life better. Your heart and my heart are connected by an invisible string that holds us together no matter if we are together or far apart. My heart carries a piece of you wherever I am and where ever I go, just like you carry a piece of me. That piece does not go away because of sadness or anger, it gets bigger to help us get over the hurdles life tosses at us. And when we are scared or lonely, we need only be reminded that we are not truly alone, we have each other – always.
You taught me how to be a momma. You taught me to appreciate each day and you taught me to look at the world with possibility. You remind me daily to use my imagination and create something new. To think outside the box and not follow the crowd.
If you make anyone else feel half as happy as you make me, you are already changing the world buddy. You are already adding your light to a world that desperately needs it. If you can do all that at the age of five, imagine the possibilities you carry in this world.
So, as I wait for the bus, I hope you are sleeping soundly. I hope your body is storing energy and rebooting, because the world is your canvas and there is a beautiful masterpiece only you can create awaiting you.
My love doesn’t stop because you disobey or disrespect, my love grows stronger to help direct you and guide you more. My love doesn’t stop because you don’t listen or misbehave, my love is always there on the other side of the string watching and learning along with you. Watching my masterpiece create his very own masterpiece.
For the times my attention went to someone or something else. For the times my energy couldn’t compete with yours. For all the times I wanted to be there and couldn’t – I am there hidden in your heart – loving you, supporting you, and encouraging you. And for the times like this, all the times, you are on my mind and I am missing you – just remember my life has changed being your momma, but better doesn’t begin to explain how!
Love you Bud,